


Time Cannot Erase You

by Rumaan



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Post-1.08 fic, letting go, loss of a child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:08:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29375445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rumaan/pseuds/Rumaan
Summary: Emily struggles with her grief again after Julie gives her Luke's Song
Comments: 15
Kudos: 39





	1. I Never Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I have a lot of feelings about Emily Patterson in particular and what receiving Unsaid Emily would have done to her. Did I tap into the fears I have as a mother about losing either of my children and/or having a bad relationship with them when they are older?! Why, yes, yes I did. Just know this hurt me to write.

Emily hadn’t realised how quiet the house had become. Not until after Julie Molina’s visit and the house went back to a settled silence where the only noise was the ticking of the kitchen clock. She had become so used to the endless still of the house that she had forgotten what it was like for there to be more than just her and Mitch circling each other mutely - lost in the grief of regrets.

Then Julie Molina had come and her voice, hushed though it was, had reminded her of a time when the house had been alive with the thundering of excited footsteps, a landline that was always ringing, and the sound of a guitar wailing in the bedroom. The boundless energy of Luke had been overwhelming at times and back then she had wished nothing more than for some peace and quiet so she could think. Now she had an interminable quietude and it was stifling in a way Luke’s continuous wall of sound hadn’t been. The bitterness of remorse had long since gone - it had taken years but the sour taste of her anguish at the death of her only child had given way to a more subdued sadness - no less constant but tamed by time. It rested at the very heart of her chest but no longer so crushing that it felt as if her body would cave in on itself in despair. The heartache of losing Luke would never go she knew that. It would remain with her until she died. But it had remained a manageable ache. 

Until Julie Molina.

The morning after, she woke up and pulled Luke’s words out of her bedside table where she had tucked them last night into the small photo album of her favourite snapshots of happier days. The bold slash of the black pen screamed of her son’s passion for music and made her smile wistfully. She traced her fingers lovingly over each scribbled out word and stroked over the more hastily constructed letters and stuttered over the faint splashes of water that marred the start of one sentence. Teardrops. And then her own began. He had cried over this song - her precious boy, who had stormed out over words she could never take back, had cried whilst writing this beautiful song for her. 

“Emily,” Mitch said, kneeling down in front of her and grasping her free hand in his. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

Her breath shuddered as she sought to regain control. “I just...he regretted his words just like I did and I can never tell him. I can never show him just how much I loved him.” 

“He knew you loved him. Deep down, below all the hurt and frustration, he knew. This song proves that.”

Thickness covered her throat and she had to swallow several times before she could respond. “If only I had been more understanding of him. Shown him more patience.” 

Mitch stood and sat next to her on the bed. Putting his arm around her and staring at the tattered bit of paper. “You know what Dr Kobrus said; about how you can’t think this way. You’ll drown in all this regret if you dwell on these thoughts.” 

Emily caressed Luke’s words. Twenty-five years had done nothing to dull the pain of losing him. 

“Shall I call Dr Kobrus? Make a new appointment?” Mitch asked. 

It wasn’t a bad idea. She knew that there was never an end date for therapy just like her grief. It may have been two and a half decades since Luke had died but the loss was one she carried with her everyday. And some days were worse than others. Going to counselling had helped her accept that.

Putting the song down, Emily swiped under her eyes and gave Mitch a shaky smile. “I will call once the office opens. I think I need to talk this out with her.”

Mitch patted her leg with an understanding nod before he stood back up. “How about I put the coffee on. Today needs a true caffeine kick and yours never quite hits that super strong territory.”

She gave a small huff of laughter at that. Her eyes wandered back to Luke’s song as the echo of his voice begging his dad to put the coffee on before he jumped in the shower sounded across her mind. He’d always needed that little kick the morning after a gig that only Mitch’s coffee gave. She had always pursed her mouth in disapproval at the time, stressing about what the future would hold for her wayward son and his desire to only play with his band. Of course, there had been no future for her to worry about but she couldn’t dwell on that right now. Not if she was going to make it out of bed today. 

  
  



	2. The Words I Love You In Replace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily visits the Molina house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little more carthartic

Emily pulled in a deep breath as she turned off the car on the side of the street. It was weird that she had never been here before. Had never felt any desire to want to come and see where Luke had spent so much of his last couple of years. At first, it was too painful and came wrapped up with too many emotions. Then it had been something that hadn’t made any sense for where she was in her grief. Why go down that road when this was a place linked to Luke’s music - a facet of his life that she had never understood. But then she had received  _ Unsaid Emily _ and suddenly there was a connection to his music that hadn’t previously existed. There was also a large amount of gratitude to this young girl who had given her a link to Luke in a way she had never managed to have before. If she had been more open to his music, would she have felt this overwhelming amount of pride in his words when she could have told him? It was a question Dr Kobrus had moved her on from. It wasn’t productive to stress over things she couldn’t change. If therapy had taught her anything then it had taught her that. 

Instead they had talked about Emily showing her gratitude in a way that was natural to her. When someone did something thoughtful and nice, she’d always baked something and taken it over as a token of her appreciation. So now she was sitting in her car, outside the Molinas’ house, with Luke’s favourite chocolate cake next to her and dithering. 

“You brought cake at least,” Mitch said in his pep-talk tone of voice over the car speaker that her phone was plugged into.

“Yeah my dead son’s favourite cake which sounds weird when you say it out loud.”

“You also don’t have to tell them that. You can just say ‘hey here’s a cake I made to say thank you’.”

“Okay, I can do this,” she said.

“Yes, you can.”

“I’ll call you when I get out.”

“I love you, Em.”

“Love you, too.”

Drawing in a deep breath, Emily got out of the car and picked up the cake, cradling it to her chest as trod up the path to the front door. She hoped they didn’t find this gesture too weird. She smiled as she walked up the path to the house. There was a managed wilderness in the front yard that was pretty. She could see a pathway that led down to a little gate where she could see a garage peeking out between branches. Was that where Luke had practiced with his band? She liked to imagine him here - it truly did feel magical. An oasis away from the rest of the city. 

As Emily reached out to ring the doorbell, she noticed that her hand trembled slightly. The nerves were crawling up her throat, threatening to choke her but she needed to do this. At the very least, she could hand over the cake and try and express some thanks for the teenage girl who had gone out of her way to give her Luke’s song. Most people would have thrown a random piece of paper away and not bothered to look at it let alone research who had written it. The fact that Julie hadn’t attested to her character. 

She pressed down and waited with mounting trepidation for the door to open. 

A tall man, similar in age to how old Luke would be now if he had lived, answered and Emily’s nerves fluttered in her stomach. If a teenage girl could knock on a random door in an act of kindness then she could do the same. 

“Hello?” 

“Hello...hi...um…is this the Molina household?”

The man looked quizzically at her. “Yes, this is. Can I help you?”.

Er...yes. My name is Emily Patterson. Your daughter came to my house the other week to give me a song she found in your garage that my son wrote before he died back in 1995 and I wanted to bring this cake as a thank you.”

The man looked at her quizzically for a moment. “Julie gave you a song your son wrote back in 1995?”

“Yes, she said she found it in her garage. It’s the same place that Luke and his band used to practice in before they died.”

“Oh,” he said with a furrow between his eyebrows before he smiled politely and gestured for her to come in. “Hi I’m Ray. Please do come in. Julie’s upstairs, I’ll call her down for you.”

“Thank you,” she said, stepping in over the threshold and hugging the cake against her chest.

The house was different to how she remembered it. One of Luke’s band mates had lived here before. The Wilsons. She’d been in the house a few times when picking Luke up from band practice before their relationship had deteriorated beyond repair. There was more clutter and warmth to the house now and she couldn’t help but compare it to her own home. You could tell kids lived here from the way random items were strewn across the living room. She missed how she’d always find something of Luke’s just discarded on the sofa or the back of a chair. 

There was the thud of feet running down the stairs and Emily looked up to see Julie coming towards her.

“Mrs Patterson. Hi. This is a nice surprise.”

“Hello Julie. I wanted to drop this cake off as a thank you for your kindness in bringing Mitch and I Luke’s song. It really meant a great deal to the both of us.”

She held out the cake and Julie took it with a small smile. “Oh thank you. You really didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s chocolate. I hope you like chocolate. It was my son’s favourite.” She flushed not knowing quite why she had said that.

However, Julie’s eyes softened at her words. “Then I will enjoy eating it.”

They looked at each other for a brief moment. Emily wasn’t too sure how to ask if she could visit the studio her son had written his music in. She hadn’t felt this awkward in years.

“Would you mind if-”

“Do you want to see-”

They both said at the same time before breaking off. 

“Please continue,” Emily said.

“I wondered if you wanted to see the studio?”

“Oh please. I would love to see it,” she replied, checking with Ray who was hovering by the kitchen if he was okay with that. He nodded in agreement.

As they started to walk down to the garage, Emily asked, “Have you lived here long?” 

“Yeah. My parents moved in when my mum was pregnant with me. It was my mom’s studio before it was mine. She taught me to play the piano there.”

“So your mom is musical too?”

“She was,” Julie replied a little sadly. “She died last year.”

Emily reached out and patted the younger girl’s arm gently. “I am so sorry.” 

“It took me a while to come back out here,” Julie said as they arrived in front of the white garage doors. “But now I feel so connected to her whenever I am here.”

“It’s good to have a connection like that.” 

They walked in and Emily stopped still just inside. The room was lovely - airy and filled with a warmth that furnishings alone could not create. There was an atmosphere of affection that only truly happy places had. The little greenhouse at the back provided a stunning backdrop to the myriad of instruments that lay dotted around. She smiled and turned to Julie, “You were right this is a magical and happy place.” 

A bright blue guitar sitting on a stand caught her attention and she walked over, tracing her hand over its side. “Luke had a guitar that looked like this. He spent all summer when he was 15 doing yard work for our neighbours to save up to buy it,” Emily murmured before the smile dropped off her face. “I was so angry that he wasted his money on something so expensive. I should have applauded his endeavour but I got irritated instead.”

She stared at the guitar almost as if she could manifest her son back into existence by doing so before she realised what she had revealed to an unsuspecting teenage girl. Surreptitiously wiping the tear that had fallen and plastering a smile back on her face, she turned back to Julie who looked misty-eyed at her words, she said, “I am happy he had this place to come to. It’s a lovely space. Thank you for showing it to me.”

“You’re welcome, Mrs Patterson.”

Looking at the collection of instruments, Emily asked, “Do you play them all or are you in a band, too?”

“I mainly play the piano. I am learning the guitar but I’m not good enough to play live yet. The drums, bass and guitars belong to the other members of my band.”

“What’s your band called?”

A fleeting expression of panic skittered across Julie’s face as she looked to the side for a split second and Emily immediately sought to put her at ease. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Your band is your business.”

“Oh no, it’s nothing like that,” Julie said, her words coming out fast. “It’s just we haven’t been a band for long. But it’s Julie and the Phantoms.”

_ Phantoms _ . The name felt serendipitous with how this was a visit for Emily to put some ghosts to bed.

“Well good luck with your band and I will listen out for any of your songs on the radio.” 

“Thank you, Mrs Patterson.”

“Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Thank you for showing me the studio and being so thoughtful in bringing me Luke’s song.”

Julie was looking off to her side once again but quickly turned her eyes back to Emily and she smiled as she said, “It was nice to show you this place. I’m glad you decided to drop by.”

Emily took one last look around the studio before giving Julie a small nod and wave. 

She felt lighter as she made her way back up the path. As if there had been an unspoken need for her to come to the garage. This place has been important to her son and she was glad she had seen where he had created the music that he had loved so much. 

Ray was watering the plants in the front yard and she stopped as she passed.

“Thank you for allowing me to see the garage. Your daughter is a lovely young lady with a generous heart. It was very kind of her to work out who Luke was when she found his song and to bring it to us.”

“Julie’s a good girl. Music means a lot to her so she wouldn’t want to throw anyone else’s music away.”

“My Luke would have liked her, I bet. He was so passionate when it came to music and never looked back once he got his first guitar.” 

“He played guitar?”

“Yes, it was attached to him. Where there was Luke, you could always find his guitar. We never did find out what happened to his instruments after he died. I wanted to put one of his guitar straps in his coffin but by the time we thought about it, the staff at the Orpheum had cleared away the instruments.” 

“I’m sorry. That must have been hard.”

Emily waved her hand in apology. “It should be me apologising for being so maudlin. I’m sure wherever Luke is now, he has his guitar and is making music. Anyway, I won’t take up anymore of your day. Thank you for giving me this opportunity.” 

“It was nice to meet you, Emily.” 

“And you.” 

She looked over one last time at where she could see the garage poking out. She could almost imagine him standing at the gate watching her leave. The thought made her smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading me work through my Emily feels

**Author's Note:**

> A longer part 2 is coming


End file.
